TONY'S GONNA DUMP A BUCKET OF WATER ON YOU, OKAY?
On ego checks, Stevie Nicks, and accidental spiritual awakenings. Plus: work with me 1:1 in PRIVATE STUDY.
Hi friends! Thank you for being here, however it works for you. I hope my stories make you feel less alone in this wild world. If it’s of interest, after the essay, learn more about my new 1:1 program, PRIVATE STUDY. My waitlist is open, and I have spots for some new private clients this spring into summer. If that’s you, let’s hop on a call? And now for this week’s (mis)adventure. Enjoy! xx Alexa
Years ago, before I became a mother — before all the things I usually write about — I was deep into singer-songwriting, determined to be the next Stevie Nicks, come hell, high water, and a flock of white-winged doves!
Yet, despite being written up in a bunch of cool magazines, going on tour with cool bands, and wearing free clothes from cool designers… cool being the operative word here, friends… I wasn’t making any money. Like, at all. And I needed money. Fast!
So, when my friend Doug offered me $300 to be an extra in someone else’s music video… I said YES.
Even though my own music video had just premiered to acclaim on a cool music outlet…
Even though, that week, I was written up in Time Out…
Even though… even though…
"Surely, this is a conflict of interest," my ego said, back when it still shone bright like a diamond…
But I had rent to pay, and the landlord couldn’t care less about my cool factor.
So, me and my ego headed out to a deserted part of Bushwick that is now anything but deserted (and probably no longer even cool!).
I wrestled with said ego for hours, sitting in a freezing warehouse, waiting for my $300 (non) star turn in a video for a boy band from Ohio who somehow had a budget for a REAL music video (not an artsy fartsy one like mine, a DIY what-were-we-thinking romp in the cool illegal loft I couldn’t afford to live in!)
WHERE OH WHERE WAS EVERYONE GETTING ALL THIS MONEY?
And why didn’t I ever seem to have any?
I was never going to be the next Stevie Nicks.
Or anyone cool.
I was a big ol’…
“We’re ready for you!” the director said, before I could say LOSER.
I walked up to the stage.
“So, stand here, and you’re going to walk to the end of the line when I say action, okay?”
Um, okay, but I was already at the end of the line in my MIND!
“And Tony, see Tony up there on the ladder?”
I waved to Tony, who looked as thrilled to be there as I was.
“Tony’s gonna dump a bucket of water on you, okay?”
“I’m sorry, what?”
He yelled ACTION and…
I did just that. Tony did, too.
The water was so cold it felt like shards of glass. Yet — I broke into hysterical laughter, much to the director’s dismay, as I was supposed to be playing it COOL COOL COOL, but —
I couldn’t stop laughing!
I felt my ego smash into millions of pieces at my feet…like a flock of white winged doves!
So…
Whenever I start to feel myself grasping grasping grasping or clinging clinging clinging or desiring desiring desiring….
Or worrying. Or wanting.
Or freaking the fuck out.
Which is still often, in fact, today!
I remember Tony on the ladder, and how we can always, somehow, be set free.
A MEDITATION
May I let go just a bit…
Feel free to share a Tony-poured-a-bucket-of-water-on-you moment in the comments. A moment when you could finally laugh at yourself, or a time freedom caught you unaware…
I love hearing from you.
xx Alexa
WORK WITH ME 1:1
I’m thrilled to offer my new (and re-imagined) 3-month 1:1 immersive, PRIVATE STUDY (formerly ‘Fortress’). Aside from my own writing, meditation, and music practices, I work one-on-one with writers from around the world as a “writing doula,” spiritual friend, quasi-therapist, and guide.
Such an honor!
I’m excited to welcome some new private clients this spring into summer. Spots are (very) limited (as most of my writers continue to work with me, heart full!) so book a complimentary 30-minute call below to learn more and talk it through.
When you work with me, I help you take your seat, write the thing, and get on with it already! I love this work (and my writers!) with my WHOLE HEART, and I’m no stranger to writing through hard times and no matter what. Actually, I believe we can harness whatever the hell we have going on into our best writing yet, and I can show you how to do this, too.
Holding the vision!
xx Alexa
Oh I love this!!!! And its hilarious
I was searching for resilience Substacks the other day and yours came up first! (For obvious reasons 😀) Really happy to have found your site!