ODE TO JOYFUL, PART 2

Bras, brothers, and bringing down the house. Plus: some pics from THE BOOK OF ALCHEMY Brooklyn show!

Hi friends! A warm welcome to all the new readers. This week’s offering is a follow-up to last week’s celebration of our dear friend

Suleika Jaouad

and THE BOOK OF ALCHEMY. I’m honored to have contributed an essay and prompt to this gorgeous book, and one with my son, Lou! Many of you found me via The Isolation Journals and I was THRILLED to meet some of you at BAM this past weekend! Thank you Suleika (and Jon!) for bringing us all together.

And now for this week’s romp…not without a hiccup or two!

xx Alexa

With Suleika after her glorious show.

Last Saturday, the day before my 44th birthday, we drove down as a family to the city for THE BOOK OF ALCHEMY show at BAM.

Per usual, there were a lot of feelings in our messy Subaru.

Lou was psyched to be in a book — “Am I famous?” he kept asking — and West was understandably pissed off that he was missing a soccer meet-up.

How to manage this?

I tried my best (as I always do) to make sure my extroverted child (Lou) felt good and that my introverted child (West) felt celebrated, too. Not easy for a twin mom, and always made more complicated by the fact that Lou tends to get more attention because of his medical needs and precociousness…

And now he was in a book.

With me.

Gah!

West socking it to me. I got you!

Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how I was going to find the time before the show to find a bra for my asymmetrical, post-breast cancer chest so I could wear the dress my designer friend had lent me.

We pulled into the city, and my husband, Ian dropped me off at 82nd and Broadway, at Town Shop, my favorite old-school lingerie haunt.

On the wall at Town Shop.

But, before the sales lady could even speak, I blurted out:

“Hi! I have an event to go to tonight, well, its not my event, it’s my friend, Suleika’s event, but I’m also sort of part of it, I guess, as is my kid, and well, a lot of other people, too, but I’m trying to make sure both my kids are happy and um, well…It’s my birthday tomorrow and I had breast cancer three years ago, and my son had cancer too, but um, my cancer was Stage 1, so I didn’t have to do chemo, but I did lose my breast, and I’m in medical menopause, whew it’s hot in here!”

I wasn’t done.

“So yeah! I’ve had three different implants because they can’t seem to get it right, and well, my fake boob is two cups bigger than my existing boob and well, maybe I should have lost the other boob, too, I mean, at least then I would have been symmetrical! I’m like a Picasso! Ha! But I mean, I know I’m lucky to be alive, but…”

“MARISOL!”

The saleslady yelled.

I guess the only person who could deal with a train wreck like me was Marisol?

“Come,” Marisol said, and I followed her into the dressing room like she was my Mommy.

“Show me,” she said.

“Show you what?” I asked.

“Your chest!”

I did as I was told, of course not without mumbling, “So, this boob is up to my ear, and this one has fallen to my belly button, and, and…”

Marisol looked me head on and said, “I got you.”

She grabbed the measuring tape from around her neck, hoisted my one boob up, shimmied the other, stuffed one cup.

“I GOT YOU,” she said again, turning me around so I could see myself in the mirror.

And for the first time in a very long time, I did indeed feel GOT.

Lou signing autographs.

I carried this GOT feeling with me, as it started to rain. We couldn’t get an Uber or a taxi, so we took multiple subways to Brooklyn, canceled our dinner reservation, and ate at Whole Foods before the show. If I had felt polished and put-together beforehand, I now felt like my rescue poodle, Oscar Wilding (who Suleika found for us!) when he comes in wet and cranky from the rain…

Yet…

We all proceeded to feel GOT. Held. All 2,000 of us.

What an evening of community, of resilience, of… I don’t even know WHAT to call it.

I was out of body.

Why, after so much struggle, is it so hard to feel good things, too?

And then…

My heart skipped 2,000 beats when I heard a recording of my steady voice — a far cry from my rant earlier at Town Shop — and Lou’s, still struggling to read, soaring over Suleika and Jon’s gorgeous soundscape…

I held my breath and let the music pull the story out of me, until it was released, joining something bigger than my beating heart, my family and I in our balcony box.

“That’s you, and Louie’s voice, mama!” West cried out, a HUGE smile on his face. He sat at the edge of his seat, an arm around his brother.

Was this a dream?

At the end — and I don’t think any of us wanted it to end! — Suleika and Jon thanked the contributors, calling out a few of us in attendance.

“And Alexa, and Lou…”

“I’M UP HERE!!!!” Lou screamed, as the spotlight quickly found us.

West and I exploded in hysterical laughter, as Lou, who was once contained to a hospital bed for months at a time, had his Evita moment, his quite literal moment in the spotlight.

“I’m so happy for him,” West whispered to me, and I could tell from his wide toothy grin that he meant it.

“I got you,” I whispered back, and I could tell that he truly felt it, too.

Lou’s Evita moment.

A MEDITATION

May I be held. May I hold the ones I love.

Sending big hugs and kisses. Feel free to share some joy in the comments…may it feel safe to feel the good stuff, too.

I got you.

xx Alexa

P.S. Order your copy of Suleika’s book :) I’m on Day 2 of the prompts…and I plan on doing all 100, who’s with me?

With Jon and my bestie LaTonya, who also contributed to the book :)