"LET'S LOOK AT THE DATA"
A mantra from my therapist, the end of yet another doozy summer, Dylan and Cohen for fall, and a prayer for us all.
Hi dear readers! I’m sending this off on the last day of August, which to me is the last day of summer. I apologize for the bad recordings. Pretend we are sitting by a crackling fire — it doesn’t get more “it’s almost fall” than that! Thank you for being here, however it works for you. And now for my tiny tale. Much to look forward to… Let me know how you’re doing in the comments. I love hearing from you! xx Alexa
Oh summer, yet again, what a doozy!
I’m not a summer person. I look forward to fall like my kids look forward to Christmas. Fall makes me want to sit under a tree with red falling leaves, read Hamlet, and listen to Dylan’s Desire.
I’m not Pumpkin Spice. Not totally You’ve Got Mail, but I’m not goth either.
I’m Dead Poets Society (“Carpe diem!”) meets the smell of fireplaces in Greenwich Village, where I lived 12 years old and on. Black boots squishing wet leaves on the sidewalk en route to a bookstore…
(Please, tell me in the comments, who are you in the fall?)
But back to summer.
I’ve had some really, really bad summers.
I wonder if my body remembers those really, really bad summers and I am therefore incapable of having a good summer?
My therapist of 15 years (yes, I’m that person) knows I’m very emotional (and nostalgic) so he always says, “Let’s look at the data,” lest my emotions and nostalgia cloud my thinking.
“Let’s look at the data” has become my mantra. It’s very Buddhist, actually.
Sometimes you need a little sober space from your feelings in order to fish out the facts.
The facts are, I’ve had some really, really bad summers.
Summer = the hospital.
Summer = other people get to do fun things and I do not.
Summer = I pretend to be okay with all this but I am not.
The facts are also that I’m tired of having really, really bad summers.
And the fact is, despite this summer being a doozy, albeit one without any emergencies (although the world is a heartbreaking mess and that, too has made me feel like I was walking in mud…)
I did have one really, really lovely moment this summer — a moment so lovely it made me believe that perhaps this era of really, really bad summers has come to an end.
I took a walk by myself to a waterfall.
I don’t get out much. As a writer, I’m inside most of the day. Why do I live in the country if I’m never outside?
This, too, has to change.
My friend Heidi told me once that waterfalls release negative ions. I remember thinking it strange that something positive has been named negative. A quick Google search told me that the effect a waterfall has on our senses is called the Lenard effect.
The Leonard Cohen effect? I joked to myself.
In all seriousness…as I walked along the waterfalls, singing “Famous Blue Raincoat” under my breath (another song for autumn, even though he talks about December!) I thought about this Lenard effect. How water collides and forms into tiny droplets, energy is released, the air purified, something is changed…
I fell to my knees.
No, really I did. Right there on the path.
Please, waterfall.
Take my really, really bad summers. Wash it all away. Help me see the facts. Help me unsee it all. Help me rise above my feelings, my memories, like whatever is released by this Lenard situation, or whatever Heidi says, down here by the falls.
Release it! I’m ready!
On my knees, on the path, I realized I was praying.
In my wanting Dead Poet’s Society, the smell of fireplaces in the Village, the violin and harmonies on Dylan’s Desire — what I really wanted was to feel like myself again. Before all the stories I did not choose superimposed themselves on my psyche like a scrim at the ballet, or slimy pond film.
Please, waterfall.
For a moment, with the water falling and the droplets landing on my hair, I felt the possibility of this return to self. That, after so many really, really bad summers, a good one, perhaps the next (?) just might be mine for the taking.
And I wished this weird little moment, this Leonard Cohen crack of light by the waterfalls, for everyone, just everyone.
A MEDITATION
May all beings know release.
Feel free to share your really bad summers, or why you look forward to fall, or whatever comes to mind (!) in the comments. Surely I’m not the only one who doesn’t get summer right…though I do believe we can try again next year.
xx Alexa
I, too, am a person who has really, really bad summers. I dread the summer the way others dread the dark and cold of winter, only more so. Summer has only been something to trudge through, sights and hopes set on fall. I love how you talk about returning to oneself "before all the stories I did not choose superimposed themselves on my psyche". I feel like this is the story of my life, a constant trying-to-overcome. Anyway, this year for the first time I'm sad to see summer coming to an end. I wouldn't say it was a good summer. But there were some things I was able to enjoy in spite of it. So I think there's hope for all of us. Also, I'm going to try to remember your mantra of "Let's look at the data."
I also have a hard time with summers-something always seems to happen. I crave fall, candles, cozy evenings, shorter days from my long summer in my northern clime. Almost too much light and too many expectations. Fall seems to me like a return to normalcy, somehow.