FROM MY HEAD TO-MA-TOES

A late summer riddle, scanxiety, and the light starting to break.

Hi everyone! A warm welcome to all the new readers, you can learn more about me here. Thank you for being here however it works for you. And now for this week’s tiny tale. Sending love and holding the vision for the breaking of the light — for all of us, for the world…Much gratitude. xx Alexa

Me and Lou pretending to like summer.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been staring at a crumpled grocery bag in our kitchen. It’s a red reusable one from our local Hannaford market and it says:

I love Hannaford! From my head to-ma-toes!

I’ve been staring at said bag, knowing full well it needs to go back in the trunk of my car for the next haul. But mostly, I’ve been trying to figure out what those words actually mean.

In my late summer stupor — made worse by chronic pain from a recurrent injury, my feral kids, poor Oscar needing to go out, Lou’s scans, and the daily chaos of both household and world — I’d been contemplating I love Hannaford! From my head to-ma-toes! like it’s a Zen koan, a mantra, or some ancient, mystic riddle.

What the hell are to-ma-toes?

And might they end my suffering?

Yesterday, I took my heating pad to the floor and considered the bag from a different angle. It was Lou’s scan day. Ian took him to the city, and I stayed home with West so I could get him to and from soccer camp.

You’d think after all these years of Lou’s scans I’d be a pro on scan day. But scanxiety (as I’ve written about before) finds you in funny ways.

This time, it had me on the floor, for weeks, obsessing over a grocery bag slogan — and continuing to miss the joke.

When it was time to pick up West, I hobbled into the car and put on the new Marissa Nadler record. The first song, "It Hits Harder," is gorgeous, and I left my body with the line: “Look for the light starting to break,” just as the sun found its way from behind a looming cloud.

Tears formed behind my eyes, as they do when I drive and listen to music.

When the call came in, and I learned that Lou was fine — and that we can now graduate to once-a-year scans — I finally got the totally stupid double entendre behind I love Hannaford! From my head to-ma-toes!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Tomatoes? Toes?

Famous Zen Koan.

Sometimes fear reorganizes you, from your head to your toes!

For days, for years.

As I drove — quite literally into the light — I felt fear loosen its hold on me, like when my kids fall asleep holding my hands, and then I really started to cry.

What will I do without Lou’s scans every 3 months, then 4, 5, 6, 9… organizing my life like a conveyor belt I don’t know how to get off, one that has had me going in circles, chasing my tail, for over a decade…

What will I do with a whole year to actually finish my book, my record, and be able to finally tend to the emotional, spiritual, financial, marital, just all of it, clean up that has build up over ten years of back to back emergencies?

Who will I be without all the reminders of who I didn’t sign up to be?

Shit, who am I?

Look for the light starting to break

I leaned into Marissa’s song as I sped down 9G…

I know I’ll continue to not always get the joke.

I’ll probably keep scrambling language.

But now?

Instead of slogans on grocery bags, I’m going to think about this idea of the light starting to break…

And what that means for my heart.

West (who loves summer!) after I told him the To-ma-toes joke. And that Lou was fine :)

A MEDITATION

May I let go.

A teacher I work with says, when in doubt, let go. I’ve found letting go is a slow process, like the light starting to break…

Let me know how you’re doing in the comments…how you go crazy waiting, or perhaps a time when you finally saw a parting of those familiar clouds…I love hearing from you.

Much love!